On the other hand, some dates may be simpler, or even a bit strained, and they hit differently. We think about them over and over, for no clear reason. It’s not because they were perfect, but because they left us with something. We tend to believe that what stays with us meets clear criteria. The right profile, the right context, the right timing. 

In reality, its almost never the case. The things that make a difference are less visible, and often less impressive.

Ingredients that make a date memorable 

1. A real interest in one another

Yes, it’s what you’re “supposed” to do when you meet someone new: take interest in them. But what makes a difference is not the quality of the questions asked, it’s the way of listening. Someone truly responds to what you’re saying, straying slightly from what you expected, or digging deeper into a detail rather than moving on to the next topic. At that moment, the conversation takes on a new shape. It’s no longer “getting to know you”, it becomes a space where something new can grow.

2. Respect: the golden rule

Here, we are looking for subtler things that demonstrate the other person’s empathy: they pay attention to non-verbal cues and naturally adjust their behavior to ensure we’re comfortable. These little details show us we matter and that our date is not trying to waste our time. 

3. Know how to laugh... especially at yourself!

Sometimes laughing or talking about silly things can relieve some of the pressure. Icing on the cake? Self-deprecating humor! Is there anything better than a Crush who can laugh at themselves? Of course, we’re not talking about teasing or flirting, but the kind of humor that shows someone is sure of who they are and doesn’t let their ego get the best of them. 

Cliché details that lead to confusion

The trap we risk falling into when dating is to think that anything shiny that attracts our attention is necessarily positive. Some outward markers leave an impression, but don’t have any substance.

1. Having (too many) things in common

When a Crush has all the same opinions as we do, validates everything we say, and never disagrees, the relationship can quickly peter out. Having some things in common is still important, essential even. But when there is no contrast or tension, discussions lose all color and may get boring.

2. Feeling “incredible”, “exceptional” chemistry (and any variant thereof)

This type of thinking often occurs after a first date. The impression of chemistry is immediate and hard to ignore. Dopamine is doing its job. But it’s worth your while to get some distance from the intensity. That doesn’t mean you need to question everything or look for negative attributes, either. Balance is key.

3. Being impressed by the date location

A swanky bar or original location can easily impress. But the place alone doesn’t say much about a date. The intentions motivating the choice matter much more. A place that is selected attentively, even if it’s simple, often reveals a deeper interest than an impressive location that has no meaning.

As we can see, what makes a date memorable is almost never what we expect. The criteria we believe to be decisive at the start matter less than we think. The lasting effects of a date are often more subtle and impossible to plan ahead of time. That may be the most exciting part: stop searching for the perfect date and leave yourself some room to be surprised by those you least expect. For starters, think about all the people we miss out on every day without realizing it...